Saying No, and Why it's so Hard
(At least for me)
If you’ve ever gotten advice from a successful entrepreneur, you’ve most likely heard how important it is to say “no.” Saying “no” to most opportunities is the best way to say “yes” to your ultimate goals, because it frees up the necessary time and energy you need to focus on living the life you truly desire.
Successful people love talking about how often they say no, to the point where it gets kind of annoying — like we get it, your time is valuable and you have work you care about and a small group of important people in your orbit and your life is so intentional and meaningful. Blah blah blah.
Annoyance aside, I myself have put this advice into practice and have found it very helpful. Saying no to more and more opportunities that have come my way has been beneficial in steering me in the direction I actually want to go in (towards a life that’s intentional and meaningful).
However, saying no is still really hard for me. While I’ve gotten better at knowing what to say no to, I haven’t gotten better at not feeling shitty about it. Even when I know intellectually that passing on something is the right decision, I still worry I’m either hurting someone’s feelings and they’ll hate me forever, or that I’ll regret giving up an opportunity and hate myself forever (and of course according to my anxious brain, hate is an emotion that lasts forever, while love is fleeting and anyone who loves me will eventually leave!!! Also according to me, anyone feeling any negative feelings towards me means I’ll die alone in a ditch, twitching and foaming at the mouth while re-living all the times I screwed up that led me to this fate).
Anyway! I’m sure the fear and general icky feelings that accompany my saying no go back to my childhood when I was socially stunted and very desperate for validation and acceptance. Saying no to any opportunity I was offered — even if it was with people whose company I didn’t enjoy, or an activity that I found boring or anxiety-inducing — never would have occurred to me, because these opportunities were rare — I was a real loser.
I hear so much about how important it is to say no. I hear less about the emotional reality of putting it into practice.
As I got older, more confident, and better at music (and hotter — thanks, Accutane!) I started getting more opportunities both professionally and socially. As someone who had spent her early years never feeling needed or comfortable in her own skin, and whose default was to say yes to everything, I eventually had way too much on my plate and was often very stressed as a result.
As time went on, my life goals got clearer and I developed a desire to feel less burnt out. Therefore, saying no became necessary — first, saying no in order to shift away from music and towards comedy, and even more recently, saying no to certain opportunities in comedy that I feel are unproductive (and sometimes uncomfortable).
But with each “no” I give comes a fear that I’m shutting out too much, because there was a time when I had so little. It can also come with dose of sadness, especially as I’ve started saying no to more social activities, paring down my friend group and avoiding people who deplete my energy. It’s bittersweet. It feels like I’m saying goodbye not only to certain opportunities, but also to a past version of myself — one who was perhaps a bit nicer, or at least more eager to please, which can be a good feeling the moment but is ultimately unsustainable, especially if you’re ambitious.
It’s also possible to become too obsessed with saying no. I sometimes find myself romanticizing it, often spending the free time earned by saying no daydreaming about new stuff I could say no to, and how when I do, I’ll somehow achieve some perfect life surrounded by only the people I deeply care about and doing only the activities and work most important to me. This is of course only fantasy, and the “perfect life” doesn’t exist. No matter what I clear from my life, I’ll always feel like I still have too much going on and that more things need to go, or that I have too little in my life to the point where I might start adding things back in haphazardly — like joining a John Grisham book club or impulsively agreeing to go to lunch with my high school classmate’s second cousin because they want to be a comedian and would love to “pick my brain.”
To avoid the obsession, I mustn’t see saying no as a philosophy to live by, but rather as a tool that can be used on a case-by-case basis. Identifying it in this matter-of-fact way can also help combat the potential accompanying anxiety and sadness.
I hear so much about how important it is to say no. I hear less about the emotional reality of putting it into practice. Recognizing the toll it can take is helpful for someone like me who is quick to feel guilt and shame. The real thing I need to say no to is the tendency to feel those icky emotions simply for pursuing a life that’s intentional and meaningful.
Updates!
Thanks for reading this piece! Before you go, here are some updates:
I have shows coming up in NYC, Corvallis OR, Stanford CA, Sonoma CA, and Washington DC! More cities will be added soon, and all show dates and tickets can be found at isabelhagen.com.
You may have realized I haven’t been writing this newsletter for a bit. The last few months I’ve been finishing the feature film that I wrote, produced, directed and starred in (for anyone who’s been following along, it’s pretty much done finally and we’re now submitting it to festivals!) and also planning a wedding/getting married (I know, me? A bride? But I’m so young!) All that to say, I will be much more active now that my life is getting back to its normal rhythm. If any paid subscribers are upset by the shortage of posts, email me at bookings@isabelhagen.com. But also know that I’m going to be posting A LOT these next months to make up for it. I love writing these and the time away from it really bummed me out!
There’s no third update but it felt like it needed a third thing. Let me think of something… I think I’m going to order sushi tonight. More of a prediction than an update, but, it’s something.
‘Til next time!
- Isabel